WHF need to adopt ‘Wife’ ratings to replace their current ‘Stars’ system. Let me explain.
Contributors on here often say that after they changed X and tweaked Y, the improvement was so obvious that their wife could tell, even though she didn’t know they were making any changes. They declare the reaction of their wife because they feel she independently adjudicates their mod/upgrade, by implication that she is a neutral test-subject because she could not have been affected by expectation bias.
So with tongue firmly in cheek and with more than a hint of deliberate clichéd sexism which people here are hopefully broadminded enough to take in the intended manner, I nominate the following suggested ratings for calibrating and measuring the success – or otherwise – of HiFi mods.
0, i.e.: a rating of ‘Zero Wives’:
While you were sat listening to your HiFi, she came in from Morrison’s, and while still clutching her Bag For Life (which you chuckle at for being so aptly-labelled, every time you see her carry it), she headed straight to the volume control exclaiming, “turn down that horrible noise!”.
Verdict: Counter-effective mod. If it cost you any money, try to get a refund. Oh and don’t bring this mod to the attention of WHF forum members, because you’ll probably get ridiculed. In fact, if some loud-mouth even vaguely suggests you’ve tried this mod, hit the Report button and have him banned.
‘One Wife’ rating:
While you were sat listening to your HiFi, she meandered into the living-room from the kitchen where she was preparing your dinner, mainly to tell you about the old lady up the road who’s just had an intimate operation you really didn’t need to hear the finer-details about, and while she stood there, she waived a half-peeled Jersey Royal in the direction of your HiFi and said, “your stereo sounds different”.
Verdict: Ok so it sounds different, but is it better? Sometimes, differences are just differences, not improvements. Consider the possibility that any money you spent on the mod would have been better-spent on another part of your system. Or on beer. On the forum, mention this mod on someone-else’s thread as a “questionable upgrade my mate once tried”, to see what the balance-of-opinion is.
‘Two Wives’ rating:
While you were listening to your HiFi, and after she brought your slippers downstairs from under the bed, she was part way through massaging your tired, aching shoulders, when she casually commented that “your stereo sounds better”.
Verdict: So with a rating of Two Wives we’ve established there’s probably an improvement, not just a change. I qualified it with ‘probably’: understandably, pleasuring you has a calming effect on your wife, similar to how men are influenced by drinking a nice beer. We must consider the possibility that in this exalted state, her judgement might be slightly clouded, dare I say even rose-tinted. Still, it would be unfair to mark-down this improvement as a “One Wife” mod, because her response was positive, not neutral. If this mod has cost you nothing or very little, consider mentioning it on the forum on someone else’s thread, should someone ask for advice about cheap mods and upgrades. Also, don’t forget to stress to your wife that after she’s finished your shoulders, you expect a good foot-rub before she puts your slippers on for you.
‘Three Wives’ rating:
While you were sat listening to your HiFi, she was washing the dinner-plates in the kitchen, and upon hearing your HiFi she came into the living room to tell you “your HiFi sounds better today”.
Verdict: Ok, this is where the indisputable improvements start. This is when the improvement is so incontrovertible, she actually took a few seconds’ break from one of her domestic chores to voice her opinion. With a rating of Three Wives, we can completely denounce any suggestion that her judgment is being positively influenced by the fact she is performing one of her chores, even though they obviously give her much pleasure. If this mod has cost you nothing or very little, next time you’re on the forum and it looks a bit quiet, start a thread about your mod and vouch for its proven success and value for money. Don’t forget to tell your wife to hurry back to the kitchen because it’s already nearly time for her to make your mug of cocoa, and the pots still aren’t done.
‘Four Wives’ rating:
While you were sat listening to your HiFi, she was ironing your clothes while the dishes were soaking, and upon hearing your HiFi she came into the living room to ask, “Your HiFi sounds better. What have you changed without telling me?”
Verdict: Now we’re talking. The improvement is so obvious, she even suspects you’ve changed something. However do not be too annoyed by the fact that she took time away from two very vital chores to try to converse with you about a topic she cannot possibly understand and will not comprehend the answer even if you give it. Humour her, and thank her, and consider that this is an unquestionable affirmation of the success your mod has made to your system. She might not even object too strongly to your kind suggestion that she uses the 15” portable in the kitchen to watch Coronation Street, East Enders and Casualty, because you understandably intend to spend the whole evening listening to your HiFi so you can properly assess the improvements. When you’re next on the forum, start a thread about your mod, and vouch for its proven success and value for money, especially if it was a relatively-inexpensive mod. And don’t forget to make it very clear to your wife that you expect her to finish the pots and ironing while she’s watching TV in the kitchen.
‘Five Wives’ rating:
While you were sat listening to your HiFi, she rushed in from the kitchen yelling, “THAT’S ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!”, in the process spilling your mug of cocoa, leaving the iron to burn through your favourite pair of boxer-shorts and allowing the running hot tap in the sink with all the dirty dishes in it to overflow onto the Lino.
Verdict: A rating of Five Wives is the dog’s danglies. The holy grail. Do not scold her too brutally for her misadventures in the kitchen: your undoubted prowess in the HiFi department has completely overcome the poor lady’s state of mind and you should absolutely congratulate yourself on your achievement, irrespective of how much your mod cost. Unquestionably you have hit HiFi nirvana and you need to get a thread up on here immediately, extolling the absolute indisputable virtues of your endeavours. None the less, make it very clear to your wife that she is totally responsible for clearing-up her mess in the kitchen and that you intend spending the next fourteen evenings assessing the changes to your HiFi while she panders to your every demand and watches all her soaps in the kitchen.
Oh, and you still need that cocoa!
Contributors on here often say that after they changed X and tweaked Y, the improvement was so obvious that their wife could tell, even though she didn’t know they were making any changes. They declare the reaction of their wife because they feel she independently adjudicates their mod/upgrade, by implication that she is a neutral test-subject because she could not have been affected by expectation bias.
So with tongue firmly in cheek and with more than a hint of deliberate clichéd sexism which people here are hopefully broadminded enough to take in the intended manner, I nominate the following suggested ratings for calibrating and measuring the success – or otherwise – of HiFi mods.
0, i.e.: a rating of ‘Zero Wives’:
While you were sat listening to your HiFi, she came in from Morrison’s, and while still clutching her Bag For Life (which you chuckle at for being so aptly-labelled, every time you see her carry it), she headed straight to the volume control exclaiming, “turn down that horrible noise!”.
Verdict: Counter-effective mod. If it cost you any money, try to get a refund. Oh and don’t bring this mod to the attention of WHF forum members, because you’ll probably get ridiculed. In fact, if some loud-mouth even vaguely suggests you’ve tried this mod, hit the Report button and have him banned.
‘One Wife’ rating:
While you were sat listening to your HiFi, she meandered into the living-room from the kitchen where she was preparing your dinner, mainly to tell you about the old lady up the road who’s just had an intimate operation you really didn’t need to hear the finer-details about, and while she stood there, she waived a half-peeled Jersey Royal in the direction of your HiFi and said, “your stereo sounds different”.
Verdict: Ok so it sounds different, but is it better? Sometimes, differences are just differences, not improvements. Consider the possibility that any money you spent on the mod would have been better-spent on another part of your system. Or on beer. On the forum, mention this mod on someone-else’s thread as a “questionable upgrade my mate once tried”, to see what the balance-of-opinion is.
‘Two Wives’ rating:
While you were listening to your HiFi, and after she brought your slippers downstairs from under the bed, she was part way through massaging your tired, aching shoulders, when she casually commented that “your stereo sounds better”.
Verdict: So with a rating of Two Wives we’ve established there’s probably an improvement, not just a change. I qualified it with ‘probably’: understandably, pleasuring you has a calming effect on your wife, similar to how men are influenced by drinking a nice beer. We must consider the possibility that in this exalted state, her judgement might be slightly clouded, dare I say even rose-tinted. Still, it would be unfair to mark-down this improvement as a “One Wife” mod, because her response was positive, not neutral. If this mod has cost you nothing or very little, consider mentioning it on the forum on someone else’s thread, should someone ask for advice about cheap mods and upgrades. Also, don’t forget to stress to your wife that after she’s finished your shoulders, you expect a good foot-rub before she puts your slippers on for you.
‘Three Wives’ rating:
While you were sat listening to your HiFi, she was washing the dinner-plates in the kitchen, and upon hearing your HiFi she came into the living room to tell you “your HiFi sounds better today”.
Verdict: Ok, this is where the indisputable improvements start. This is when the improvement is so incontrovertible, she actually took a few seconds’ break from one of her domestic chores to voice her opinion. With a rating of Three Wives, we can completely denounce any suggestion that her judgment is being positively influenced by the fact she is performing one of her chores, even though they obviously give her much pleasure. If this mod has cost you nothing or very little, next time you’re on the forum and it looks a bit quiet, start a thread about your mod and vouch for its proven success and value for money. Don’t forget to tell your wife to hurry back to the kitchen because it’s already nearly time for her to make your mug of cocoa, and the pots still aren’t done.
‘Four Wives’ rating:
While you were sat listening to your HiFi, she was ironing your clothes while the dishes were soaking, and upon hearing your HiFi she came into the living room to ask, “Your HiFi sounds better. What have you changed without telling me?”
Verdict: Now we’re talking. The improvement is so obvious, she even suspects you’ve changed something. However do not be too annoyed by the fact that she took time away from two very vital chores to try to converse with you about a topic she cannot possibly understand and will not comprehend the answer even if you give it. Humour her, and thank her, and consider that this is an unquestionable affirmation of the success your mod has made to your system. She might not even object too strongly to your kind suggestion that she uses the 15” portable in the kitchen to watch Coronation Street, East Enders and Casualty, because you understandably intend to spend the whole evening listening to your HiFi so you can properly assess the improvements. When you’re next on the forum, start a thread about your mod, and vouch for its proven success and value for money, especially if it was a relatively-inexpensive mod. And don’t forget to make it very clear to your wife that you expect her to finish the pots and ironing while she’s watching TV in the kitchen.
‘Five Wives’ rating:
While you were sat listening to your HiFi, she rushed in from the kitchen yelling, “THAT’S ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!”, in the process spilling your mug of cocoa, leaving the iron to burn through your favourite pair of boxer-shorts and allowing the running hot tap in the sink with all the dirty dishes in it to overflow onto the Lino.
Verdict: A rating of Five Wives is the dog’s danglies. The holy grail. Do not scold her too brutally for her misadventures in the kitchen: your undoubted prowess in the HiFi department has completely overcome the poor lady’s state of mind and you should absolutely congratulate yourself on your achievement, irrespective of how much your mod cost. Unquestionably you have hit HiFi nirvana and you need to get a thread up on here immediately, extolling the absolute indisputable virtues of your endeavours. None the less, make it very clear to your wife that she is totally responsible for clearing-up her mess in the kitchen and that you intend spending the next fourteen evenings assessing the changes to your HiFi while she panders to your every demand and watches all her soaps in the kitchen.
Oh, and you still need that cocoa!
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