- Aug 31, 2015
- 5,556
- 4,160
- 36,570
Parents/relatives with dementia.
- Thread starter GSV Ethics Gradient
- Start date
jjbomber
Well-known member
- Dec 22, 2006
- 2,187
- 1,495
- 21,570
Yes, my father-in-law. He's 92, but he keeps climbing up on the roof to check the tiles. He gets up in the middle of the night to make himself a meal out of dog food. He turns all the taps on in the middle of the night and keeps flooding out his home. Many, many more.
- Aug 31, 2015
- 5,556
- 4,160
- 36,570
Sorry to hear that - he's obviously further along than my dad, but he's literally just turned 80 so I suppose that's no surprise.
Being 'early stage', he's mostly showing through an almost complete inability to form new memories, but he's also starting to become apathetic - hardly ever leaves the house. We'd tried to get him to go out with his extended family for a meal and a couple of pints for his 80th and he'd been amenable, but changed his mind and got fed up/upset with my brother.
He'd been on at us for ages to get rid of his car - when we finally did so, he accused us of wrong-doing and told his next door neighbour that we'd nicked it. The bill of sale he signed is now stuck to the front of the fridge. Apparently, thinking your family is stealing from you is a common delusion in the later stages. Happy days, eh?
Brother-in-law has vascular dementia and is in a bad way. An astute businessman and a health-conscious sporty guy - director of a company and run several London marathons, etc. There's a saying with this that you lose them twice, once to the condition and when they finally go. Not nice to witness this kind of demise.
- Aug 31, 2015
- 5,556
- 4,160
- 36,570
Sounds like he was unlucky - the only preventatives seem to be keeping yourself physically, mentally and socially active - it sounds like he did all those things.
The old boy has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia.
The old boy has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia.
jjbomber
Well-known member
- Dec 22, 2006
- 2,187
- 1,495
- 21,570
yes, but he's 92. My friend's parents have dementia. The nurses turned up to take samples, but they wouldn't let them in. They left the containers and said they'd pick them up the next day. When they went round the next day, my friend's father was adamant that they hadn't called the day before and he didn't have any specimen jars at all.
There are 4 stages of dementia apparently, and only stage 4 is the fatal one. I tell my wife to shoot me when I get to that stage.
bigboss
Moderator
- Mar 25, 2009
- 6,296
- 1,222
- 27,570
There's a very useful PDF copy downloadable from here:
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Caring for a person with dementia: A practical guide
Are you supporting someone living with dementia? Get your copy of the latest version of our guide for carers.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
- Aug 31, 2015
- 5,556
- 4,160
- 36,570
Auntie developed vascular dementia.
Multiple times I had to break it to her that her sister (my Mum) had died.
Each time was the 'first time' I'd told her and she burst into tears.
"Why didn't someone tell me?" "You've been hiding it from me", she used to say.
(When fully well, a few years earlier, Auntie had attended Mum's funeral).
Sure is a terrible, all too common condition.
Multiple times I had to break it to her that her sister (my Mum) had died.
Each time was the 'first time' I'd told her and she burst into tears.
"Why didn't someone tell me?" "You've been hiding it from me", she used to say.
(When fully well, a few years earlier, Auntie had attended Mum's funeral).
Sure is a terrible, all too common condition.
- Aug 31, 2015
- 5,556
- 4,160
- 36,570
We've given up telling dad about his diagnosis - each time his mood plummets.
It's like coastal erosion of the mind - gradually the years fall away. Dad's obsessing about things from 10-15 years ago at present.
It's like coastal erosion of the mind - gradually the years fall away. Dad's obsessing about things from 10-15 years ago at present.
- Aug 31, 2015
- 5,556
- 4,160
- 36,570
jjbomber
Well-known member
- Dec 22, 2006
- 2,187
- 1,495
- 21,570
Al ears
Well-known member
- Nov 23, 2008
- 12,482
- 7,263
- 56,570
really sorry to hear all this, my wife is an Occupational Therapist with the EMI Reablement Team here in Wales and sees this every day. It's daunting and can understand your difficulties.
- Aug 31, 2015
- 5,556
- 4,160
- 36,570
My brother's just found a handwritten note accusing us of 'removing' the car, which stops him seeing his special friends (there aren't any), running his business (it was wound up more than a decade ago) and that he's just waiting to die as he hasn't got a car (I fear that this may actually be true). It ends with a single capitalised word meaning illegitimate in the plural.
Can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to seeing him next...
Can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to seeing him next...
Al ears
Well-known member
- Nov 23, 2008
- 12,482
- 7,263
- 56,570
plastic penguin
Well-known member
- Apr 28, 2008
- 6,558
- 3,164
- 36,570
It's a dreadful condition. My dad had Dementia. So unpredictable it was hard to fully grasp -- it was back in the late 90s.
He was banned from our London supermarket for pinching bars of chocolate. He would also wander off up the road. The final straw came when a Bailiff punched him. He wasn't paying the rent and the Bailiff used him as a punch bag. It turned out the Bailiff was a 30-year old ex-firefighter.
We buried my dad 14-days before my daughter was born.
And now my sister is placed in a nursing home.
So I feel for anyone who has family members with this horrible condition.
He was banned from our London supermarket for pinching bars of chocolate. He would also wander off up the road. The final straw came when a Bailiff punched him. He wasn't paying the rent and the Bailiff used him as a punch bag. It turned out the Bailiff was a 30-year old ex-firefighter.
We buried my dad 14-days before my daughter was born.
And now my sister is placed in a nursing home.
So I feel for anyone who has family members with this horrible condition.
- Aug 31, 2015
- 5,556
- 4,160
- 36,570
When dad got his diagnosis, I read that there seemed to be a tentative link between vitamin b12 and lower incidence of dementia - just read in Science Focus about the results of a three-year study using (obvs) double-blind conditions, and after three years there was an easily-measured difference between placebo and non-placebo groups. I started on multivitamins after I first read about it, and given that they cost peanuts (and that my diet, whilst good, is pretty narrow) I'm glad I did. Might be worth considering if you don't, as we are all not exactly in the first flush of youth.
(Usual caveats about making sure you exercise, use your brain, keep socially-active, have a decent diet etc. I take the view that anything which lengthens the odds of me ending up like my dad is worth doing. I know none of this gives me any sort of guarantee...)
(Usual caveats about making sure you exercise, use your brain, keep socially-active, have a decent diet etc. I take the view that anything which lengthens the odds of me ending up like my dad is worth doing. I know none of this gives me any sort of guarantee...)
plastic penguin
Well-known member
- Apr 28, 2008
- 6,558
- 3,164
- 36,570
I think what you say about deficiencies in diet and lifestyle has a lot to do with this horrible condition.
My school mate's ex-wife's parents lived in Spain for many years (well over 10 years) and the locals never mentioned anything about conditions such as these. We can only put this down to diet and stress free lifestyle.
Even though I don't condone smoking, the Spanish are among some of heaviest smokers in Europe yet have so few cases of lung conditions.
PAPA BOO
Member
- Jun 25, 2023
- 3
- 0
- 20
It's odd but you need to watch and know what to look for. My mom had some medical conditions I did not know about. That's what you need to understand so their life as they go into Dementia can be better understood. It's really hard, I don't know how the workers can do it. Many were very helpful, others not so good. I do understand diet and vitamins I take many. But my father lived until he was in his 80s and lived on coffee and cigarettes his whole life. His family was from a diet religion group and he lived longer than all of them and some did suffer from this issue but he did not he died from emphysema but did not have Dementia strange.
- Aug 31, 2015
- 5,556
- 4,160
- 36,570
Oh dear. Just had to take a call where he asked where mum was. Having to explain that she died almost exactly eight years ago was not a barrel of laughs. I have heard about this happening with others, but really hope for his sake that he won't have to be told too frequently - hearing his distress was horrible.
So sorry to hear this. I understand how you feel, we went through the same with my Mum after my Dad died. After a few weeks of repeating this distressing news and her reaction, we decided the only way was to go with her and just say that Dad would be along later. It avoided the distress for everyone. It may not work for you, but it might be worth trying if it becomes too repetitive and upsetting. I hope it doesn’t come to that for you.
- Aug 31, 2015
- 5,556
- 4,160
- 36,570
Thanks for that. I'm not sure it would work with the stage he's at - he still seems capable of fixating on something. At least he didn't ring back about it again, so we'll play it by ear.
nopiano
Well-known member
- Feb 15, 2009
- 4,270
- 3,928
- 33,570
What Sally said is what we were advised for my mother in law. Don’t tell the actual truth, or they suffer the loss, grief or whatever all over again. Just say the person popped out, or will be coming tomorrow. Same with ‘missing’ items they sold or gave up years before, like car/driving.
A bit counterintuitive for us, but it worked. They soon forget, so our expectation that they’ll check if said person has indeed returned, or car has been fixed, don’t materialise. They may repeat days later, but can’t recall any previous conversation.
My sympathies, it’s very difficult.
My MIL rang Barclays every day to order her Tesco shopping or pay her BT bill, but they transferred her to a team who just used to chat about her cat until she got bored. Most big businesses have policies to cover such things, so it’s worth tipping them off if you’re concerned about something similar. Important with banks etc in case unscrupulous traders try to fiddle them.
- Aug 31, 2015
- 5,556
- 4,160
- 36,570
Thanks for your words of wisdom, always appreciated. But the stage he's at now means he wouldn't be so easily placated. It's weird, you can have the same conversation about something trivial and end up in the same place several times in the space of a few minutes, but with something that sticks (like disposing of the car) this isn't the case, at least yet.
With the car we ended up having to stick the bill of sale to the fridge, so every time he came back to the subject he could be calmed down. Gallows humour here - obviously we won't be doing the same with mum's death certificate...
His dementia is a strange mix of early, mid- and late-stage, but my brother and I both feel sure that at present we can't just try to gently placate. Mercifully he wasn't in the same place this morning, and I'm sure there will come a time if/when forgetting she's gone can be dealt with in the way you both describe - but we're not there yet, for better or worse.
nopiano
Well-known member
- Feb 15, 2009
- 4,270
- 3,928
- 33,570
That’s very tricky then. I’d forgotten dementia presents so differently in different folks, and there are so many different types too. MIL had vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s, and it was pretty sudden to become serious, after several years of general ‘aging and forgetfulness’. Getting lost in a familiar town cemented it for us, but getting a Doc to confirm was still fraught.
Wishing you all the best.
Similar threads
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram